My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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