Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Randomize
