dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize