I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
