North Korea, Best Korea!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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