We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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