I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Did I show you my penis last night?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
