i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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