dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
