I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
