remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
