I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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