I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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