i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
