I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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