I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
