Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
