So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
