He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
