i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
