i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
