No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize