i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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