I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Someone came in the potted fern
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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