There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
