I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
