Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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