He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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