my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
how does that bad decision feel?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
