I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
