just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
