No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
