Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
