I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
