I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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