Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
