In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize