new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize