Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
