I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
