Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
