I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
