stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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