when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
That accounts for only three of the penises
this hospital has no fireball
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize