My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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