Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
