Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
it's great music for shaving your balls
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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