That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
