1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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