I would go down on you faster than GM stock
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
