Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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