the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so that wasnt chicken after all
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
