When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
