I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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