What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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