I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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