I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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