I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
