uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
