I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
